Sunday, July 22, 2012

Musings - My Dual Life.

Source :
Of late I have been spending a lot of time at church. I know that a lot of you out there are wondering if I am pulling your leg but I am here to assure you that I am a bona fide practising Catholic. My son has recently chosen to become a full member of the Catholic community by being confirmed. As a supportive parent I have become involved in the process of educating a group of young people as they prepare for this important sacrament. As I have explained before I am a lifelong Catholic, a product of the Catholic education system and I have spent more than my fair share of weekends at youth group camps and a couple of grown up retreats.  
Despite all this religion I still find myself regularly practising non-monogamy all manner of other 'perversions'. I struggle regularly with the apparent conflicts that these two elements of my life have. For a long time the idea that having a decent sex life and being a non-hypocritical member of an active church community are mutually exclusive has lurked in the back of my mind. I felt that I had to choose. I could either be a God fearing family woman, devoted wife and mother or I could cross the line and live the life of a slutty hedonist. In the last five or so years since starting down the path of serious extra-marital sex I have tied myself in knots trying to reconcile one with the other.
There are similarities between each lifestyle. Church oriented people have qualities that attract me; honesty, fairness, kindness, and a love of life. Strangely, or probably not these same qualities are the ones that attract me to different people in 'the lifestyle'. On the flipside of this coin the characteristics that repel me are found in people in both sides of my life; dishonesty, lack of basic respect for people, hypocrisy and selfishness.
There have been times in my dealing with the church that I have seriously questioned whether I should keep up my membership. I disagree strongly with the idea that being gay is an abomination and I obviously disagree with the idea that sex is purely for the procreation of the species. It could be argued that my ties to the church are largely the habits of a lifetime but my soul searching lately has shown me that this is not the case.
Likewise the lifestyle has presented me with some challenges as well. Sometimes it seems that there are a disproportionate number of people with psychological problems, dysfunctional marriages or both hanging around dating websites, clubs etc. Sometimes sorting through them to find the people who make this whole ride fun can seem futile.
Both sides of my life have yielded some great friends, some awesome experiences and very valuable insights into human nature. I honestly CAN'T ever see my life being fulfilled without either one. Just the other day it hit me right between the eyes. I don't have to choose. I can live a good Christian life and still be a swinging slut that reads and writes about sex for fun. Nothing is absolutely black and white in this world. There are many shades of grey (If you believe E.L. James, fifty to be exact!). The rules of the church are not necessarily those of God. Having sex outside of society norms does not make me evil or even un-Christian, it just makes me well me.
A while back my daughter made a very astute observation when listening to a radio discussion about the rights and wrongs of gay marriage.
"Gay people can't be bad because God made them and he doesn't make bad people."
I guess that makes me OK just the way I am.

1 comment:

  1. Well said lovely woman. and congratulations on finding the insight into these two aspects of your life and realizing that you can be a part of both worlds. <3