When I started out blogging I was convinced that nobody was going to read what I had to say. I assumed that I had a weekly readership of about five misplaced souls who stumbled across me by accident. When someone took the time to comment it was a major event.
These days, according to Blogger's stats it seems more people read my page than that. But those numbers aren't real, right? At least it feels that way. I still don't quite compute that my words reach many people, some of who know me. Every now and then I have a moment of complete surprise when someone says to me something like "I read your TMI every week. It is addictive." My response is something like "Really? You read that stuff?"
While these conversations are a great boost for my ego they sometimes give me pause. Especially when I am sharing something that is a bit personal. Sometimes as I am about to give my thoughts on sharing anal sex with my husband I wonder if this is something I want people who know us personally to find out? Sometimes the situation can be a bit more specific. I may share my thoughts and feelings on a particular situation and a particular person takes what I said to heart. As if I was making a personal attack on them. I will take a moment right now to make it clear that my blog is me sharing my thoughts and feelings in case someone else is interested or may benefit. If I have a problem with someone in particular I will sort it out with them in private.
So sometimes I am faced with a dilemma. I blog because I have a big mouth and I like to share my opinions with the world. I also feel that there are some things in the world i.e sex, and swinging, that do not get spoken about honestly or openly enough. But I am grown up enough to realise that shooting one's mouth off isn't all that constructive. After a lot of consideration I came to the conclusion that if I share my experiences honestly and this helps someone with their journey then my mission is accomplished. If I write some smut and this gives someone pleasure then I think that I have done my job well. Even if this means unwittingly treading on some people's toes.
I really struggle with the idea of keeping my personal life separate from my play and blogging life. I am not good at deceiving people and neither is Jake. Consequently people in our vanilla life are aware of our 'neopolitan' life. (Or should it be rainbow swirl?). Unfortunately I have made a career decision recently that has forced the secret double life on me. I have to take some measures to ensure that members of the general public can't stumble across me while surfing the net and share their new found information with their friends and family.
There are still many people who I know personally both from my vanilla and my rainbow swirl life who read my blog and know the deep dark secrets I share there. There are probably people from both lives who I have no idea that they read every post religiously like a dirty secret. What is even more amusing is that they probably have absolutely no idea who this woman is!!! I am waiting for the moment when someone from my kid's school comes up to me and says "you should check this out," and I can smile to myself because I don't want to burst their bubble.
At the end of the day I am a terrible liar and the best way to know what is on my mind is to listen to what is coming out of my mouth. Or rather just read my blog!! As the saying goes,
"Dance like there is nobody watching,
Love like you will never be hurt,
Sing like there is nobody listening,
And live like it is heaven on earth." William W. Purkey
I would add, "Blog like there is nobody reading."