Over the last couple of weeks I have had a few conversations with people that have made me think about the concept of 'Friends with Benefits' It seems that the ideal thing for some swingers is to find a couple or maybe a couple of couples who are not just great bedfellows but great friends. There is a perception that this would be an ideal way to live; Lazy Sunday BBQ's with friends take on a whole new perspective that goes something like this;
John and Jennie go to Michael and Lucy's for dinner. After the dishes are washed and some drinks are consumed everyone gets naked in the spa and adult frivolity follows.
|Source: Sticky Comics|
This is a great ideal and I will say that there have been many nights at our house that have followed that route, minus the spa because we don't have one, but you get the picture. Our relationship with the Fix Its is something that we never expected to find but we are very glad to have found. These are people who are on the same page as us with most things but what is most refreshing about this relationship is it's warts and all honesty. Nothing about us gets edited out because it might be offensive. We all feel able to say exactly what we are thinking and if it comes out not quite right we will all have a chuckle, apologise, explain ourselves and move on.
Not every encounter with swingers works out that way. Sometimes the other couple are not looking for a friendship. Sometimes you have really hot sex but when you have your clothes on and you are sitting around having dinner the conversation is sparse and you catch Jake secretly checking his Twitter under the table! Sometimes everything seems great and you get on like a house on fire for a few encounters and then everything fizzles out.
Something that a lot of people talk about in the forums and Facebook groups that I frequent is the idea of one day finding yourself in bed with your previously vanilla friends. It is not unusual I guess because almost everyone has a hot friend that they wonder about. Personally I don't, but I have never considered myself to be a member of the 'normal' population. When you have taken the step to open the door to your bedroom this fantasy moves from mere speculation to a definite possibility. You catch yourself wondering how to broach the subject with them and wondering if that odd comment that they made the other day meant something else entirely!
Recently I had a conversation with a couple who had, after a few drinks one night, ended up in bed with another couple that they had previously been friends with. For both couples this was their first swinging experience. Everyone had a good time and Mr and Mrs A were certainly enjoying the knock on effects to their own sex life. It turned out that Mr and Mrs B have had some issues with infidelity in the past and so their feelings about this turn of events were mixed. Mrs B had a lot of jealousy issues that resulted in their encounters being a little bit restrained with everyone feeling that they had to tip toe around Mrs B and pander to her needs more just to make the whole thing work. This left Mrs A feeling, quite justifiably, a bit put out and Mr A wondering if all swinging worked this way.
In my own personal experience if you get into a situation with a couple and there appears to be communication or jealousy issues, if one partner is being selfish and using emotional blackmail to get what they want, if there are tantrums and sulking or, if there seems to be disharmony between the couple GET THE HELL OUT!!!! You don't need to be rude but you also don't need to be there to get caught up in the drama that will follow. Of course all couples have their ups and downs but when you are inviting other people into your bedroom you cannot afford to ignore your partner's needs and emotions and you cannot afford to be dishonest with them in any way. There will be tears at some point and I for one don't want to be caught in between that argument.
As I have journeyed along and met and gotten to know people my radar for issues has improved. Of course sometimes you may choose to ignore your radar for some reason but it always comes back to bite you in the butt.If you meet a couple or a person and they are hot but there is something niggling at the back of your mind. You know that you might have a great night tonight but there will be something to cause a bump in the road sooner or later.
Getting back to Mr and Mrs A though, the issue for them is that they KNOW they are not in a good situation and they WANT to get out but they feel a bit trapped by the relationship that they have with these people outside of the bedroom. They have been friends with these people for a while and have a lot of other mutual friends that make things awkward if they suddenly don't hang out together any more. Like any breakup it is messy. This is the kind of situation that re-enforces the idea that while becoming friends with your fuck buddies is sometimes a great idea (there are times when it really is NOT!), it is, as a rule, not a good idea to become fuck buddies with your friends. At the very least you need to have it at the back of your mind that changing the dynamics of your friendship could cause upheaval later on and you need to be prepared to accept that.
It is nice to fantasise about John's wife's hot tits bouncing up and down while she is riding you to victory. It is nice to fantasise about coming home one day and 'catching' John with your wife. Or hanging out with John while both your wives go at it but just like Pandora's Box once you open the lid you cannot put everything back in. Of course well-adjusted adults can deal with situations like this by recognising that a mistake has been made, dealing with it, and moving forwards. Unfortunately as you can see with Mr and Mrs B there are a lot of issues going on that suggest that they are not that well adjusted. If they were there wouldn't be a problem in the first place.