Monday, November 5, 2012

Honesty Really is the Best Policy

This afternoon my very good friend Allysin Brisneyland put up a post on her blog which contained a very amusing little rant she posted on one of her internet dating profiles. Without going in to too much detail Allys was bemoaning men (and some women's) inability to say "thanks but no thanks" when she approached them or, more irritatingly, to say "thanks for the hot sex but things have changed and I don't want to go back there."

For Allys as a single things are slightly different from Jake and I as a couple. The pool she is choosing from are men and women who are also, for the most part, single. The majority of her potential dates, while they are looking for sex in the first instance always keep the possibility in mind that things might grow into a relationship or that a relationship might happen along that changes their status. 

For Jake and I there is none of that. We have each other, the most important thing for us is the happiness of the other. The people we meet at clubs, parties and on the internet are great people and we have a lot of fun with them but they will never replace what Jake and I have. As well they are in the same position as us.  All everyone is looking for is some adult fun. 

To this end things can be a bit more cut and dried. We have a lot less to lose if our date isn't exactly right or if we don't put our best foot forward. We can afford to be a bit more picky and a bit less concerned that we will say something that offends someone. That is not to say that couples who swing don't play the same silly games that single people do. We are all conditioned to worry about wether people like us or not and some perverse part of us drives us to please everyone, even the people we don't really like. So sometimes people are not upfront about what is going on with them. Instead of saying "thanks but we are not interested" when they are approached by someone they are not attracted to people will be evasive and give excuses that leave you wondering what is going on. 

At the beginning of our swinging journey we were worried about what other people thought of us. We obsessed, a little too much sometimes, about what exactly every little comment meant. We also miffed saying no a few times. But as time went by we came to the realisation that none of it really mattered as long as we were honest and upfront without being rude. One of the key rules of swinging everywhere is "No means No." This rule doesn't just refer to helping yourself to someone without their permission. I believe it also means that no is just that, no. There is no agenda, no hidden meaning, no flirting and no confusion.There doesn't need to be an explanation, you don't need to give someone a reason why you don't want to play with them and they don't have the right to hassle you. In all honesty do you really want to hear the reason why someone doesn't want to have sex with you? Just take the no as it is intended, not a personal attack, just a statement of preferences.

Source: Elisa Wife Life

Despite all this there are still people out there who cannot bring themselves to say no. Instead they make excuses, "I couldn't get a baby sitter," or "My period came early." Or they do the classic don't return messages and texts. I have had to cancel a date because I couldn't get a baby sitter and because I got my period unexpectedly and I could almost hear the other person saying "Yeh right. Whatever!" We have also had the situation where we put it out there with people who SEEMED interested a couple of days or weeks ago and got nothing back but the sound of crickets chirping. 

As well as perfecting the being Upfront and Honest strategy we have also developed the Two Excuses strategy. This means that you get two chances to have your period and not be able to get a baby sitter. After that the ball is completely in your court. If you are interested you have our number and you know how to contact us so when you can get a sitter give us a call. If we are free we may fit you in. Otherwise we are off entertaining ourselves with people who are excuse free. We know your lack of response was not personal and if it was we know your opinion of us is none of our business.

Recently I had a conversation with Mrs Fix It about the crap some people carry on with. Her views are very similar to mine. We have children, jobs, businesses and lives with enough drama. Swinging is meant to be a relaxing, hassle free hobby. If we come accross people who seem to create drama everywhere they go we just say thanks but no thanks and retreat. Both the Fix Its and the Jones' enjoy the freedom that comes with being honest with people and avoiding those that create drama. We understand that, like everything, you will get out what you put in but when it stops being fun and becomes hard work it is time to give monogamy another long hard look.      
Source: The Sam Effect



  1. I like your thoughts on this. and its clear what you guys do and how you do it is the result of great communication, between yourselves first, and then with others! xOxOxO

  2. I like this post and Allys too. I've been one to make excuses in the past when I was a sheltered, shy, embarassed kid. I can't change that. But these days I always try to be up front and honest when socialising. Hopefully people realise that and return the favour. Funnier enough I'm more open and honest in the virtual world than the 'real' world. The veil of anonymity probably has something to do with that.