Musings on Being a Successful Swinger

I will preface this page by stating that I don't consider myself a swinging expert by any means. However Jake and I have been in this lifestyle for a number of years now and we are still together and we are still enjoying it. So I guess that means we are successful and that we must have some idea of what we are doing. 

The idea for this page is mainly to share our thoughts about how we approach our lifestyle and also our thoughts about situations that we come across. From time to time I will come back here and update if I think of anything new to add. 

There are any number of web resources out there that will provide good information on swinging and specific topics related to swinging. I would urge you to check them out. The people who write these articles have been around as swingers, club owners, party organisers, relationship counsellors etc. I have thrown together some links to get you started. 

Reid about Sex -  The orignal self styled 'sex geek' has an amazing information packed website including articles and videos about all sorts of non-monogamous and alternate sexuality lifestyles. If you become a Reid fan (I know I am!) make sure you search him out on YouTube.

 Life on the Swingset - A US based site that is run by a swinging couple and their very good friends

Chantelle Austin - An Australian relationship expert who specialises in counselling people who are venturing into open relationships.

RedHotPie - An Australian based adult dating website that includes singles as well as swingers

Adult Matchmaker - Another Australian based dating website for swingers and singles. Chantelle Austin frequently contributes articles for AMM member's information. 

Of course there are plenty more resources out there. Most well run swingers clubs will post information about the pitfalls of swinging for their potential guests to read. 

And so to share my collected wisdom.

  • You both have to want it:
I have had many conversations with more than one person who would very much like to enter the swinging world but their partner is reluctant. I have been asked many times "how do I convince my partner this is a good idea?" The short answer is you can't. If they don't want to they don't want to. Trying to convince them to want it is fraught with danger. You may convince them to attend a club or party just to humor you and then things could go very very pear shaped. Kind of like convincing them to purchase a kitten because you like them so much and then finding that they are severely allergic. Except much much worse. Sharing your partner with someone else can be a very rewarding and awesome experience but it can also be challenging, frightening and open your eyes to fears and insecurities that you never even knew you had. Try and focus on what exactly it is that you want to get out of swinging and try and think of ways to replicate this in your own relationship. Also try and understand what their reasons are for their reluctance. A key thing that a lot of people forget is that jealousy usually comes from fear. The key to removing jealousy is to remove the source of the fear. If you are truly convinced that you can't live without this then Chantelle Austin offers a great counselliing service that comes highly recommended.

  • Communicate:
I will say it again, communicate, communicate, communicate. Any relationship counsellor will tell you that the key to a good relationship is communication. The key to happy swiniging is honest, open communication. That includes, listening with an open mind and an open heart as well as telling your story. You will hear things you don't want to hear, you will have to admit to your partner and yourself things about yourself you don't want to, you will hear things about them you don't want to know and you will have to tell them things about yourself that you don't want to. You will also have to learn to tell them things they don't want to hear in a way that doesn't threaten them and make them defensive. It may sound over the top but if you want to avoid blow ups in the middle of a play session and spectacular walk outs then it is a good idea to learn how to do all of these things. Debriefing is important. Even now, five years and who knows how many experiences on Jake and I still have to have 'those conversations' about something that has happened that we are not happy about. 

  • Manage your expectations:
There is nothing worse than being all keyed up for a great night out only to arrive and find that the room is not full of people you find attractive and who are queuing up to have some time with you. Something that frustrates the hell out of me is people who have decided to take the first step by inviting a single girl into their bed and then find that there is a shortage of available, bisexual, single women who are looking for a couple to fill in their Saturday night. Whoda thunk that these women would just sit around waiting for a couple to use them as their personal sex toy? Really? Remember just because you have decided this is what you want it may not be what everyone else in the room wants. The people you are looking to play with are people too, just like you they have their desires, fantasies, wants and issues. There has to be a little bit of give and take.       

  • Be realistic:
This kind of goes with managing your expectations. Everyone in this game is looking for the best that they can get. Everyone wants to be with the super hot 25 year old in the corner who is wearing that short skirt and those white knickers. Everyone wants the Brad Pitt look alike. By all means be picky. They are your genitals, this is your fantasy you have the right to say who takes part in it but you have to be realistic. If you will only settle for Brad Pitt or Miranda Kerr then you have to accept that your fantasy is not likely to happen anytime soon, or ever. Something that Jake and I work on constantly is this. To him I am the most stunning creature on the face of the planet. He doesn't see why he should settle for any woman that he doesn't see as my equal. In all honesty he would rather go home with me and no one else than settle for someone who he doesn't feel an attraction for. I am more pragmatic, I give people the benifit of the doubt and let them demonstrate that they are worthy of my attention even if they are not Brad Pitt. Sometimes the wrapping doesn't do the gift inside justice, that kind of thing. It doesn't matter where you sit in the spectrum of pickyness as long as you are prepared to accept that more picky means less opportunities. Also you have to remember that just because you have decided that you want someone doesn't mean that they will automatically like you back.   

  • Be honest and upfront
   Honesty is one of the things that people appreciate most. It is not the easiest thing to be or do. Most of us are reluctant to say no, or I don't like that or we think people will laugh at our sexual fantasies because they think we are weird. But being honest, while difficult and sometimes painful can be a great time saver and the little bit of discomfort we go through at the time can save us a whole lot of heartache later. Being honest doesn't require a long explanation. Just a polite statement of fact;
"Thanks for the offer but I am not interested"
"No I am not really into anal"
"I don't want to play without my partner" 
Most people will apreciate upfrontedness. The ones who don't aren't worthy of your time. 

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